In which Sam and Dean get off to a bumpy start.

[ilove_atallman]

[Set in Come as You are. Cowritten with silvr_moonbeams. Alice is scent_ofbooks and Sam is imnot_likeyou.]

It hadn't even been a week since Ruby had come to Dean, making him call Bobby. Dean had tried to stay in the hotel room with Ruby the best he could, but she only put up with it for the first night and late into the next morning, then she had his ass up and out of bed. He'd stuck his stubborn toe on the line, not wanting to go anywhere, and arguing with her all he could.

It wasn't that he didn't want to see Sam, because he did, desperately. He was just scared. He was terrified. Part of him worried that he'd find Sam different, too different. Or that he'd get there and realize it had all been some kind of lie, that Sam was still dead. He didn't want that kind of letdown. And he didn't want to let Sam down. He knew letting Sam down was inevitable, and he had already let Sam down in the worst way of all. He'd let his little brother die. How would Sam ever forgive him for that? Sam shouldn't forgive him for that.

And yeah, he had told Ruby he would go, but he was doing his best to backtrack that word. Not that she was letting him. She got him out of the hotel room and in the car, then on the road. Somehow. He didn't want to accept that she seemed to be able to get him to do the things he didn't want to do.

So despite his fears, and his stubbornness, he sat in the Impala right outside of D.C. He hadn't been to D.C. since Sam had died and Dean had to tell Alice. Something that had nearly killed him. Now he was pulled off on the side of the road, before the city, just waiting. He sighed deeply and looked over at Ruby.

"I can't do this."

"Yes, you can," she rolled her eyes. "If you don't, I will go and tell Sam his brother's a chicken shit. And I'll give him your new number to boot." And with that came her best sweet-yet-not smile as she waited for him to respond.

His jaw was tight as he looked back at her. He shook his head slowly, sighing.

"Dean. You have five seconds before I disappear to start this car." She paused for a minute. "And we'll stop having sex. Though, for the record, it's a little skeevey that I'm offering you sexual favors to get you to see your brother."

His eyes closed and he breathed slowly, then opened his eyes to her again. His arm was already stretched across the back of her seat, and he reached over to touch her hair lightly. "Mmhmm. You like giving me sexual favors." He sighed again and turned forward in his seat, starting the car up.

"Good boy," she sighed, before shifting so that she was leaning back in the seat again looking out the window as he drove.

"Shuddup," he muttered, pulling off the exit. He was quiet as he moved across the city and found his way into the parking deck at Alice's apartment.

Ruby settled back into the seat, waiting for him to open the door and head over to her apartment.

He got out of the car and led the way to the stairwell and up towards the building. When they got inside and to the front desk, he called up to Alice's apartment. She picked up and he bit his lip a moment before speaking. "Hey Alice...it's Dean."

"Oh...hi! Um, did you want-"

"I'm downstairs," he said quickly.

"Oh, okay. Let me talk to Louie."

Dean nodded and put the front desk guard on the phone and glanced over at Ruby, giving her a 'so there' look.

She smirked slightly, crossing her arms in front of her chest while she waited. She was going to be gone as soon as Sam opened the door, because a) she knew she wasn't the one Sam wanted to see, and b) Dean needed the quality time with him without her being the elephant in the room. She was just going to make sure that Dean actually got there and didn't wimp out on him.

Dean really didn't want to do any of it alone, so he was hoping she'd stay, even though he knew better. They got the flag to go upstairs, and Dean led the way again. When he got to Alice's door, he hesitated.

Ruby leaned against the door frame, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "It's just Sam, Dean."

"You're gonna ditch me, aren't you?"

She sighed. "You need this time with Sam more than I do, and I don't think I'll be the thing he wants to see right after coming back from Hell."

He watched her, that slight wounded needy look in his eyes. "Don't go far?"

"You know how to find me."

"Yeah," he nodded. He touched her hip gently for a moment, then reached out to knock on the door.

Sam looked up at the knock on the door, his hands shaking nervously as he pushed himself to his feet, before glancing back at Alice. "That's him."

Alice nodded and stepped over, brushing her fingers through his hair. "Just relax," she said gently. She reached up to kiss his cheek. "I'll be in the bedroom if you need me."

"Okay," he nodded, before getting up and going back to the door, hesitating only for a moment before pulling it open looking back at his brother. "Hi."

Dean stood up tall as the door opened, sliding his hands down into his pockets. He swallowed deeply as he got a look at Sam and nodded. "Hey."

He wasn't sure what to do with himself. "Wanna -- " he began, stepping to the side so that Dean could come inside.

He nodded. "Yeah...yeah, sure."

Sam waited for Dean to make his way inside, before closing the door behind him, sliding his hands into his pockets as he turned back to look at him. "So," he sighed, not sure where to go. "Where've you been?"

Dean walked in, watching the ground and rocked on his heels a bit. "Just...here and there. Hunting."

He nodded. "That's good. That's -- good." He swallowed, before taking a step closer. "I'm surprised you didn't stick with Bobby."

He cleared his throat, still unable to look his brother in the eye. "Well...still had things to do, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." He was quiet for a minute, staring at Dean for a minute, before crossing his arms in front of his chest. He wasn't sure why Dean wasn't looking at him, but his gut reaction was making it seem like Dean wouldn't look at him because he didn't like what he was seeing. That was starting to feel like the beginnings of a sucker punch to the gut, but he swallowed it away and tried to get a response from his brother. "There something wrong, Dean?"

"Huh?" He looked up and shook his head. "No. No, nothin'."

"You won't look at me."

Dean sighed and made a point to look up at Sam.

That didn't make Sam feel any better. It made it seem as though Dean was doing it just to make Sam feel better and that wasn't what he wanted. His eyes dropped, playing with the fingers on his hand for a moment. "What'd I do?" The real question there was would it have been better if I hadn't come back but he couldn't actually bring himself to say it.

God he was shit at this. Dean turned and paced Alice's apartment a bit, before stopping and picking up a picture she had on top of her television. He looked at it, turning it in his hands, then set it down. "You didn't," he said gently. "I...I just..." His hands moved back into his pockets and he looked at his feet. "I missed you."

Sam tensed a bit. "You've got a funny way of showing it."

Dean bit his lip. "You don't need me here babying you, Sam."

"I'm not asking you to baby me, Dean," Sam sighed. Or maybe he was. He wasn't sure anymore. "I just thought you'd be a little bit happier to see me."

"I am." He turned around to face Sam again. "I'm happy to see you, and...it looks like you're doin' real good here."

"No, Dean -- " Sam ran a hand over his face and looked over at him. "I was gone for -- " Forty years. " -- four months, and you're just gonna walk in here and say I'm doing really good? No hug, no Good to see you, Sammy, not even a smile? Who cares about how it looks like I'm doing?"

Dean watched Sam for a bit, then shook his head. "Should I have started with sorry I got you sent to Hell?"

"Dean -- you didn't do this."

"I don't-" he shook his head. "Don't know what to say to you, Sam."

Sam watched him for a moment, before swallowing and pushing it away. He should have figured that Dean wouldn't want him back. That should have just been a given. "Well, you saw me. If you don't have anything else you need, maybe you should go."

Oh yeah he was doing just great. "I never said that."

"Well, you don't know what to say to me, it's obvious you're not happy to see me -- so either you're just here because I'm your brother and this is out of responsibility, or because Bobby made you, but either way -- that's not why I want you here. I -- I don't want anything from you, Dean. I just want my brother."

Dean ran his hand over his face and looked down. He knew he wasn't the same guy he had been before Sam died, and he knew Sam wasn't the same, but he was still scared to show his brother who he had been. He was scared of what Sam was going to think of him and what he had been doing with his life. He looked up at Sam, his jaw twitching slightly, then walked towards him. His arm went out slowly and he grabbed onto his little brother, pulling him into a tight hug.

As soon as Dean's arms slid around him, Sam melted into his brother's hold, tightening his arms around him in a tight hug, and forcing himself not to break down the way he did with Bobby. He had been dealing with what happened to him back there for so long that he was sick of it, so for one brief moment, he managed to push it out of his mind and remind himself that this was Dean, and for the first time in weeks, he actually felt like he was truly back.

Dean stayed there for awhile, before giving Sam's back a couple pats and stepping back. "Welcome home, Sammy," he said softly.

"Thanks," he said with a nod, before sliding his hands back in his pockets. "So -- are you gonna stay for a while? In town, I mean."

He shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged slightly. "I...I dunno. Depends if anything pops up, y'know? And...I-" He stopped himself from saying he needed to talk to Ruby, see if she had something, but he stopped. "Just gotta make sure...nothing's goin' on."

"Yeah, right," Sam nodded. "Of course."

"But...it might be nice..."

Sam looked up again. "You can stay here, if you want to. I'm sure Alice wouldn't mind."

"Nah…nah, I wouldn't wanna impose. I mean...motel room's all I need." And he didn't want to get in the way of them being together again.

"Dude, seriously. It's not a big deal." To be honest, Sam didn't want Dean going very far. Not when he still didn't know how he'd gotten brought back.

Dean thought for a bit. He knew his being there didn't really matter either way. He didn't really have any hope in himself keeping Sam safe anymore. He nodded. "Yeah...if it's cool with Alice and you want me to stay...I can." He just needed to talk to Ruby and have her not pop up if she needed him. Not that he was ashamed of her, but he didn't want Sam knowing those things yet.

Sam nodded, before heading towards the bedroom. "I'll go ask her."

"Cool," Dean nodded back.

Sam knocked on the door lightly before opening it, sticking his head in and looking for his girlfriend. "Alice?"

Alice was curled up on the bed with a book, her iPod on to give the boy’s privacy. She set her book down and pulled the buds from her ears. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine," he said, closing the door behind him as he made his way closer. "I was just wondering if you'd mind if Dean stayed here while he's in town. It's not like he can afford a motel anyway, and -- I want him here. Just in case."

"Of course, Sam. He's your brother." She nodded and moved over on the bed, making room for him to sit beside her.

He nodded, before sitting next to her closing his eyes as he leaned back against the headboard. He wouldn't leave Dean out there, alone, for long, but he needed a breather. "This really isn't going the way I thought it would."

She frowned and leaned against him, curling to his chest. She tilted her head to look up at him. "How so?"

"I just -- I thought he'd be happier."

"In what sense?" she asked softly.

"He's treating me like I should be mad at him. I mean, it took me calling him on it to actually get him to hug me."

Alice leaned up to kiss his cheek and brush his hair from his eyes. "We all deal with things differently, Sam. It doesn't mean he doesn't care."

"I know," he sighed, leaning in to her a bit. "I know."

She sighed. "He loves you."

"I know he does."

"So relax, okay?" She hugged him and sighed. "How about I make dinner?"

"Okay. I'll get him set up on the couch."

"Good." She got up and started for the doorway. "What's his favorite?"

"Pie?" he said with a smirk.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not making him pie for dinner."

"Well, after that, it's burgers."

"I can do burgers."

"Burgers it is."

"Go bond." She kissed him quickly, before heading for the kitchen.

He kissed her back, before making a quick stop at the linen closet and heading back to his brother.

Dean was sitting on the couch, looking through a nearby magazine, not really paying it any attention.

"Hey," he said, clearing his throat as he made his way back into the room.

Dean looked up and tossed the magazine down. "Hey."

He lifted the sheets in his hand, and moved closer. "We don't have a guest room, but you can use the couch."

"Works for me," he nodded.

"Look, dude, before -- I didn't mean to come off so hard on you."

He shook his head. "No...I...I wasn't much help. Sorry."

"Yeah, but I should have -- taken it better. Or something."

"So we both handled it wrong...what's new?" He shrugged.

Sam gave a half a laugh. "Yeah, I guess so."

"We're good?"

"Are we?" Sam wanted to be sure on Dean's end too.

"I hope so."

"Then we're good."

Dean nodded. "Okay."

"Okay," he nodded, before moving so that he could make up the couch.