ilove_atallman | [JMM] Once upon a time

[Set in Winchester Initiative.]

Once upon a time, she was a person.

She was real and human, and she was stupid. She let the black eyes seduce her, the power draw her in to something she didn’t understand. She signed away her soul, all purity and light all to see things spark at the edge of her fingertips. She turned it dark and ugly, tarnished it beyond repair all because of the things she wanted.

She was selfish. She was stupid. And she paid for that, far more than would probably be fair.

Once upon a time, she was in Hell.

In Hell, they fill you full of holes. They tear you apart, rip you open and try to make you like them. They take away the parts of you, the parts that remind you of who you were—the way your sister used to laugh, or the way your father would sing you to sleep—and they replace it with screams, pain and terror until you’re just as angry as they are. Just as broken as they are.

She was in Hell for a long time. They broke her down into pieces and in order to get out, she sold her soul again. Promised to take care of business, get Lilith what she needed. Get him to abandon himself for her, and she could do that. It was doable. She was a woman after all.

Eve was who she was for a reason.

Once upon a time, she was blond.

Blond was a fighter—hard lines and a tough attitude. He wasn’t going to fall for sweet and slow, not like most. He needed to be hard as well, to punch those holes in his soul before they could. It hurt less when you do it yourself. You didn’t aim for pain when you were doing it on your own. You only punched them so that they wouldn’t take it away when you went down there.

He didn’t make holes easy. They needed to make some for him, but she wasn’t there for the big one. The one that punched him out and gave him to her she wasn’t even there to see or fix, and that was what she regretted most.

Once upon a time, she was a brunette.

Brunette was warm. Brunette was him. Brunette was love and all the things that she thought had been made to holes and forgotten, but she hadn’t. She let him touch her, let him inside her, and she couldn’t take that back. She couldn’t give him to Lilith. So she didn’t.

She turned her back on her deal, and in the end, he saved her. When she was the one who was supposed to be saving him. She still didn’t know how that worked.

Once upon a time, she was a mother.

Her heart had felt big and heavy in her chest when she held her boy for the first time. It was like a switch had been flipped, and suddenly she was capable of so much more than she was. He was small, tiny and perfect, and so fragile that she thought she might break him, but there he was.

He was a miracle. She’d never held a miracle before, and it shone so bright that it burned, but she didn’t care. She was his mother. And she would never let him go.

Once upon a time, she was in Hell. Again.

This time, the holes they were punching were worse. They were taking away her love, her miracle and replacing them with the screams again. These hurt so much more than the first time, long hard slices through her body as more holes got punched into her. Over and over again, every day for fifty years. It hurt.

It hurt so much, she eventually started to forget.

Once upon a time, there was a room with a lot of bright light.

There were voices calling to her, trying to make her understand, to calm down, but she didn’t want them near her. The light edges were hard and soft at the same time, cold on the edges but they burned in the middle. She could see the shadows coming at her, big and wide, trying to touch her, but she just kept throwing them back, pushing them away.

She wasn’t where she belonged. She had too many holes. She didn’t belong here.

She just wanted to forget.

745 words

Current Mood: scared

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

likely_evil

The phone rang next to his bed and Sam rolled over, pushing Buster out of the way so he could find the thing and pick it up. It was the middle of the night and the infomercials were still playing on the television.

"This is Sam," he said in his half awake voice.

"Sir, we need you to come downstairs to medical immediately." One of the doctors was frantic, and Sam's eyes opened wide as he heard a voice screaming at the people in the background.

"Ruby..." he said softly, and then he was up and running in an instant. He was doing much better than when he had been brought back, broken in more pieces than the doctors could see. His body was still bearing a few fading scars, and his psyche was buried deep until now, where all the fears came to a head as he ran down barefoot to the elevator, slamming his hand on the button because he knew his legs still hated stairs and sixty flights would be bad.

Five minutes. It took him five minutes from the moment he hung up the phone to when he ran into the medical ward, following the sounds of Ruby's complaints to find them. But as he stood in the doorway, unshaven and thin, he found himself stuck to the spot on the floor.

Something was wrong in his gut, and he wasn't sure what to do.

"Sir, we can't get her to calm down," the doctor explained as he came to Sam's side. "We have this problem sometimes. Perhaps you can break through to her."

He nodded, then carefully made his way over. He grounded himself, flexing his powers around him just a bit to prevent any demonic attacks she might do unconsciously. "Ruby." He said it simply, watching to see her response to his voice.

From:

ilove_atallman

No. No no no no no no no.

She got out so that they would stop using him. So that they would stop punching holes and tearing at the ones already there. She pushed back against the corner of the room she'd trapped herself in, her hands coming up to cover her face and she pulled her knees into her face.

They couldn't get her open if she was too small to get to.

"I forgot. I forgot, I promise. Stop. Please. I forgot."

From:

likely_evil

"Ruby, it's me." He was careful, kneeling down in front of her but being careful not to touch her. She was trying to get away so he knew touching her would have been bad at this moment.

"You're not in hell anymore. You're back here. With us." he kept his voice soft. "I'm not going to hurt you."

From:

ilove_atallman

They've played this game before. Made her think she escaped, only to have it come back and bite her deeper and harder. She continued to shake her head, shoulders starting to shake as the sound of his voice dug deeper. She hated it when they used his voice.

His voice was supposed to be hers.

"Not real. If I don't see it, it's not real. If it's not real, it can't hurt."

From:

likely_evil

Baby, what did they do to you...? he thought softly, his lips pressing into thin lines.

"I'm real, Rubes." It was an old nickname, he hadn't used it in almost a century but it was something that was just theirs. "You're here. I won't let anyone hurt you."

From:

ilove_atallman

He always offered to protect her. That was his first words. That he'd saved her and she was safe. And he was wrong. He hadn't saved her. He wasn't even there. It was just the butcher waiting with the knife to punch another hole.

It was Gordon's favorite game.

But he never used that name. Never used that tone. Not when she wasn't already looking at him. Her hands parted, opening just enough so that they could still close and protect her if she needed to, but she needed to see.

She needed to be sure.

From:

likely_evil

"Tell me how to prove it," he told her softly, not moving. It was her game. He had helped so many demons come back out of hell but this was his Ruby and it hurt to see her like this.

"Show me a way that they haven't torn from you. Ask anything. Please."

From:

ilove_atallman

She watched him carefully, her eyes studying his as she waited for the glamor to disappear and him to become what he was again. But after he didn't, she rolled onto her knees cautiously, inching closer and placing her hands on his face gently, almost as though she was waiting for her hands to slide through.

They didn't.

They stayed where they were. He was warm. Warm and soft and scratchy all at the same time, and real.

He was real.

From:

likely_evil

He stayed completely still, wanting so bad to pull her into his arms. Instead he tried to control the quiver in his jaw and the hitch in his breath. His eyes closed as she held his face and he felt a tear slip down his cheek.

"I'm sorry I didn't get there fast enough..." he said, his face crunching a bit. "I tried."

From:

ilove_atallman

Her eyes follows the track of the tear, blinking at the sensation as she felt the water land in the crease between her thumb and forefinger. She listened to what he said, before shaking her head with soft eyes.

"No. No, no. Don't want you there. Not safe."

She closed her eyes, before pushing close to him, her face turning to press into the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath and taking him in.

"I'm sorry."

From:

likely_evil

He broke down at that, slowly bringing his arms up to hold her, pulling her in against him and just cradling her into his arms the way he had always done on those bad days where they needed to cling to each other to make it through to the next day.

He pressed his eyes against her shoulder, just taking her in. "It's ok, baby. Just don't leave me again. I just can't take that. I need you."

From:

ilove_atallman

She wasn't sure that all of her was even here at this point. She was broken. She knew it. She needed to get fixed, and she didn't know how, but right now that didn't matter.

She finally felt safe. She hadn't felt safe in so long.

She melted in to him, letting him curl around her. She didn't want to leave again. He could keep her as long as he wanted.

"Sam."

From:

likely_evil

The doctor waved for the rest of his staff to leave the couple alone on the ground, and Sam just held her, the pain from the last few months coming out and then slowly washing away as he held her in his arms.

Finally he pulled away, his hand stroking her face. "Do you want to come back home. Upstairs? Get you a warm bath, something to eat?"

Oh god, Michael. Their son was still with Tara out in Europe skiing. He needed to call his son and tell him to come home.

From:

ilove_atallman

She watched him for a moment, curling her fingers around his wrist gently. "Can I sleep now?" She felt like she hadn't slept in so long either.

From:

likely_evil

"You can sleep as long as you want. I'll just have to kick the dog off the bed." He got up carefully, keeping his arms around her as he picked her up. He wasn't letting her go, and he held her protectively against his chest.

"Come on, Rubes. Let's go home."

From:

ilove_atallman

She nodded as she curled into his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his neck and just closing her eyes against his shoulder as he carried her out of the room.

From:

likely_evil

It took him longer to get back upstairs, but eventually they were walking though their penthouse. Buster came running out to greet Sam, only to stop and see Ruby, then crouch down.

"You're back on the couch, Buster," Sam told the dog, then went right to the bedroom and put Ruby on her side of the bed. He carefully laid her down and went to shake the dog fur off the blanket.

"Sorry about the dog hair. I can change the sheets if you want," he offered.

From:

ilove_atallman

She shook her head as she curled onto her side facing him, just watching him as he moved, just in case she was wrong. She didn't want him to change the sheets. They were warm and soft and they smelt like him. She didn't want to give that up.

"Don't."

From:

likely_evil

He nodded, then carefully put the blanket over her and tucked her in. Then he just knelt down beside the bed, stroking her cheek gently.

"I should call Michael. Let him know you're home. He's so afraid he would never see you again."

So was Sam, but he didn't voice that out loud.

From:

ilove_atallman

Her fingers closed around his wrist again, pulling him up so that she could make him curl up around her, but there was something about that name that made her stop, confused.

Michael.

She felt like she was supposed to know who that was, but she couldn't remember. It wasn't fitting. Something wasn't working, and it was written all over her face.

From:

likely_evil

He sat up on the edge of the bed, and he saw that look. He knew that look, and he took a sharp breath.

No. They couldn't have taken that from her. No. NO.

"Our son," he told her softly. "Our miracle. Please tell me they didn't take him from you." He bit his lip, because there was no way he could tell Michael that yes, his mother was back, but she didn't know who he was at all. That would hurt worse than when she had died.

From:

ilove_atallman

She didn't need for him to be angry to know that something was coming. She shrunk away from him, starting to bury her face in her hands again.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry -- "

From:

likely_evil

"No. no no no no no," He instantly shifted and pulled her into his arms, holding her gently to him. "It's ok, Rubes. It's ok. We'll figure this out. I'm not upset at you."

He rocked her gently, just holding her. "Shhh, it's ok Baby. I've got you."